Lately I have been feeling the desire to do absolutely nothing.
Graduating from FIU was a huge relief for me. I thought that most of my problems would be over after graduation. Instead, I find myself wanting to leave my job more and more as the days pass by. I come in late, I leave early, I don’t do work. It’s pretty pitiful. Of course, I do what most people would do, and I start looking for another job. The thing is, though, that I do not want another job. I just do not want to work. Period.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I desire freedom. That is probably why I love to travel. But lately it’s been different. I feel so tied down by the system that is currently in place. Monday through Friday, 9:00am - 5:00pm. We work 5 days a week in order to have two days off. Two days. We wait an entire FIVE DAYS for these two days of bliss. For these two days of personal time. For these two days of freedom. What kind of life style is that? Is this really what we have become?
We are made out to be worker ants. We carry upon our shoulders loads and loads of never ending stress in order to feed the system. To make IT work - not us. It does not work for us. We work for IT.
I am not made out to work 9:00 - 5:00 Monday through Friday. Nobody is. We are just manipulated into believing that that is the only successful and right way to live.
But I no longer want to have a job, at least not in that way. I know it is not easy to break free from this system, but that is just what frustrates me even more. I feel like I cannot break free…
I want to be able to wake up at whatever hour of the day I want - not when my alarm clock screams into my ear. I want to be able to venture out into the city and enjoy the pleasures of life even though it is a Wednesday. I want to be able to enjoy the weather - however it may be - with the sun still out. I want to be able to go to bed at whatever hour of the night without worrying about the fact that I have to wake up early the next day.
THAT is how life should be.
But I understand the the system which is in place has a tight hold right now, so I acknowledge that in the end, I need a job. I have bills to pay, and dreams which require money [unfortunately] in order to achieve. Is it possible to find a fulfilling job that pays well and isn’t Monday - Friday 9:00-5:00?
Today, it is getting to me more than usual. “It” is how we are told to live - the “correct” way to live. We go to school to help us “get jobs in the future”. We go to work to help ourselves become “experienced” and to be “successful.” But what is success? It sounds like a stupid question, but what American society deems as “success” is not “success” for me.
I don’t care about money. I don’t care about cars, or a big house, or material possessions. I am not saying that I don’t want to have money, or a car, but those are not the things that define my success. I just want to be able to live life freely. I want to have enough to allow me to travel the world until my final days as a human being on Earth.
I feel so trapped. I know a lot of people in the world feel the same, but I really do. I crave freedom so badly… I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in some job that I hate [or love] for the rest of my life. I mean, I want a job that I love, yes, but is that it? Is that all there is to life? Some… Job? Some… money?
Every day, I hear about, I see, I remember the people who are not at work. They are not at school. They are out, living life. I remember being on Facebook during the summer and constantly seeing people post pictures of themselves at the beach while I was stuck scanning some papers here at my job. And now, I see on tumblr people who are playing in nature… They are doing drugs, or chilling with friends. Having fun. Being happy. Living their lives. And me? I’m at work. Answering phone calls for people I don’t know. Working among people who have absolutely no respect for me. Or I’m at school. Listening to professors go on about subjects I either already know or don’t care for. Sitting in cold, dull, classrooms, being forced to do work I don’t even want to do.
This is my life. Work. School. Work. School. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Thankfully, I have an open mind and soul, and that often helps me when I’m feeling the need for freedom. But at this point in my life, that is not enough. I want more… I want to be able to run around in the grass, naked, enjoying life. I want to be that person at the beach, enjoying the sun, and playing in the ocean. I want freedom. I need freedom… My hallucinations are coming back, which usually indicates mental stress in my life… I think the stress is lack of freedom.